Holy Eavesdropping
(Where Do We Find Trust?)
A particular image has helped me approach spirituality since my teen years. In a way, it’s a naïve and simplistic metaphor that sums up a lot of the way I imagine how God (the Divine, Love…) and I relate on a practical day-to-day level. I’m quite surprised that some 45 years later, I’m still getting a lot of personal mileage from this image. And it’s one of the first things that I think of when I consider a question that seems very important these days: where do we find trust?
Looking back, I think the image reflects a way in which I stumbled onto some accidental contemplation, though it would be decades later before I would give any explicit attention to “contemplative practices.”
Essentially, the image is this: somewhere in the heart of me (or in my guts or bowels or wherever) there is a “secret chamber” or “meeting place” in which my spirit communes with the “Inner Light” (Quakers) or “The Anointing” (1 John 2) or our “Collective Unconscious” (Carl Jung) or whatever similar language suits. Since we are talking about a reality which is clearly beyond language, we know the words themselves will be quite imprecise. But it’s the place of spiritual connectedness – where the infinite is present in our finitude. Maybe a Hindu would say it’s the place where my Atman becomes aware of being Brahman.
On a few occasions, I’ve shared this image with others using a deliberately naïve and simplistic graphic. Here’s one version (you can decide who is who…):
My own access to this secret place is not direct. I don’t just check inside and get an immediate picture of what is going on in there. My conscious connection with that inner connectedness is intuitive, including unexpected glimpses that might catch my attention at any time or deeper imaginings that can occur when something helps me slow down or dial down my too-busy (left-hemisphere-oriented) mind.
I put huge stock in my intuitive trust regarding the understandings and peace that emerge from giving some attention to that secret chamber. Some may think this heretical, but I’d go so far as to say this is my inner authority.[1] If any external authority, even a Bible verse, doesn’t resonate with the understanding that I sense from listening in on this inner conversation, I’m not going to accept that Bible verse or code or law as truth (nor reject it either – more later). Frankly, I couldn’t. It would only be pretending for me to try because this is the source of what I “believe.” There may, of course, be moments of “shifting” when my spirit and God’s are “having it out” (which I tend to picture as my spirit complaining and God quietly smiling until a larger truth dawns), but I would lose my integrity if I pretended that the current state of this conversation isn’t what I really believe.
But, of course, I don’t get tablets chiseled in stone from this place – nor verbal text in any form. The truths I intuit and believe in from listening in are not in words; they’re not precise or rational or (thank goodness!) analytical. They’re far more solid and fluid than that. It’s a living, relational understanding that is most characterised by being full of love and trust. It’s a good space, and I wish I visited more often.
Of course, the imprecision leaves my conscious self having to sort things out, which is good work. I have to ponder how I apply these intuitive understandings and decide which I try to share and which I keep to myself. Occasionally, I try to translate these into words with very, very limited success.
And, I’m also hampered by having an annoying personal default leaning toward left-hemisphere approaches! I like words! I like things being logical and clear! But I’ve experienced for far too long that this verbal, logical clarity is a flat and empty (and less true) place compared to intuitions of something much richer that can be felt and can transform living moments. In my therapy office, I know that I’m more helpful to others when I’m tapped into my intuition than when I have all my theoretical ducks in a row.
There is another lack of clarity regarding the source of the intuitive understandings. I take this to be intuitive “eavesdropping” on a sacred conversation. I’m never sure which “side” of the conversation I’m hearing, and I’m increasingly ok with that. There is no arrogance about “hearing the voice of God.” It’s closer to an “if God’s ok with having that conversation with my spirit, I’m going with that for now” kind of thing. I’m assuming that even if I’m more typically listening to my own spirit’s side of the chat (and I suspect I’m way chattier in there than God is), that my spirit has been significantly shaped by the quality of the conversational partner.
So, dare I hope that this leaves plenty of room for humility? I do hope so; certainly, I approach more humility with that holy eavesdropping than when something seems logically obvious to me, leaving me kind of arrogant. And when I do set aside a contradictory word from an external authority like a sacred text that I respect – as I mentioned earlier – I don’t discard it but place it in an “I wonder if there’s still some truth that I’m not seeing in there” kind of box. (For example, I think those nasty genocidal texts about Canaanites expose human evil that wants to pretend to speak for God – for those who have ears to hear – and yet I still think there is something important for us to learn about the fact that they’ve remained in canonical sacred texts for a long time. I actually think that when well-interpreted, they’re a warning that can help us NOT talk evil nonsense about genocidal ethnic cleansing in the same area today. But I digress - see here for more.)
Please feel free to comment about how crazy or heretical I might be. Or ask me a clarifying question because, annoyingly, the more I talk about things that matter deeply to me, the less clear I tend to be. But this image of holy eavesdropping on a secret chamber has worked for me for a lot of years now, and I feel like it’s only grown broader and deeper in its place in my life – to the point where the image can have weird twists: like I’m sitting there trying to intuitively listen in and bump into a favourite author or wise friend sitting beside me also listening in. As if it’s their secret chamber too, and their spirit is in there too! Weird.
I’m intending to follow this up with at least two more posts on how this helps me relate to the spirituality and discernment of others (does this work the same for others?), and particularly how this image helped me when I began learning more about other faith traditions and their spirituality. Stay tuned!
[1] An authority only in my own life; this is no basis for authority over anyone else’s understandings. Ironically, the day after I wrote this, I just read that same dichotomy in William James’ Varieties of Religious Experience, when he emphasizes that the essence of mystical experiences is that they are authoritative in the lives of the people who have them but not at all over others. Phew!